Dispatch 21: Come to Jesus…we’ll pay you…

Seriously. Sometimes  Kitschians’ voracious passion for “evangelism” leads to a lottery for Jesus.

At least there aren’t drive thru churches.

Oh wait.

Dispatch 20: The Junior Christian Science Bible Lesson Show

This alternates between hillarious and disturbing. After viewing this video, check out some of the longer, unedited clips on youtube.

There’s a little language on this one, so beware. NSFW.

Stay off the drugs there. Don’t do the drugs there.

Dispatch 19: Overdub Jesus

The Greatest Story Ever Told, retold. Starring Truman Capote as Jesus. This should only be offensive if you really do believe Jesus was an effeminate white man.

Dispatch 18: The Redneck Study Bible

Everybody needs the word of God. Everybody does not, however, need the word of God as sponsored by their favorite camo company. Tell that to Thomas Nelson, marketing extraordinaires, who have recently released a series of bibles and bible studes aimed at their presumably plenteous redneck constituent–all in partnership with that most Christian of camo companies, mossy oak.

I’m just waiting for the indie-hipster study bible, in partnership with paste magazine and Pabst blue ribbon.

Dispatch 17: The Manga Jesus Conference

Being a youth pastor, i see more kitsch than the average Joe can shake a schtick at. Daily I receive countless flyers promoting the latest hit youth conference. Usually their titles include the word “extreme.” So imagine my surprise when I received a promotion for the simply titled “Believe” conference.

Then I read the interior of the pamphlet. Without further adieu, I give you he manga jesus conference!

Dispatch 16: Cleaning up the Movies

Clear Play is a DVD player popular with evangelical families. Essentially it edits out the bad stuff, making otherwise questionable material for family viewing sparkling clean. Kind of corny, but a great aid to families, to be sure. So far so good.

Enter “TV G.” This product serves a similar purpose but takes a different approach. When objectionable language appears in the film, the sound is muted, and closed-captioning appears at the bottom of the screen. These subtitles “translate” all the dirty words into less objectionable ones.

I was told by a family that has this player that the word “ball” or “balls” is translated to “tail.” And, my favorite: sex? Now it’s just “hugs.”

Try explain to your mom how you got pregnant by “hugging” a guy.

Dispatch 15: Youth Ministry Antics

Courtesy Patrol Magazine, check out this “worship” take of eighties classic “You Spin Me Round” (among others).

And an ingenious parody of youth ministry antics, courtesy of the hilarious SD Smith (subscribe to his blog…it’s a hoot).

Dispatch 14: Sunday School Musical

It was bound to happen.

Dispatch 13: Veritas, Prince of Truth

The wife and I saw this advertised on the RedBox marquee last night…and it just seems too good to be true. I haven’t found any confirmation that this is indeed a “Christian Movie” but judging by this trailer…well, you’ll see.

Dispatch 12: Casette Ministry Pin

My friend Gary found this little gem. His explanation on why this qualifies as Kitschian:

- I should have put a ruler in the picture, but the lapel pin is approximately the size of a pie plate.
- I guess “cassette ministry” sounds more appropriate than “motorcycle ministry” or “Vegas mission trip,” but it’s still not something I could say with a straight face.
- Nothing wrong with citing a bible verse, but there seems to be an conflation of distributing audio cassettes of parts of the worship service (usually the sermon, and usually to members who weren’t there) with – the Great Commission!?!

Thanks Gary.

And yes, I am back. Sorry for the long lull. More Kitschian on the way.